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Posts Tagged ‘Filking’

Super Puma,
Ditching in the water:
Not supposed to do
.
Someone’s swearing blue!
And somebody’s career is through.

Okay, so it just seemed filk-worthy…

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locusttypes

Locusts on Prozac
Are a no-no
Spiked serotonin
Tweaks their mojo
So they’re swarming
Swarming!
Oh, they’re swarming!
Ahhhh…..

[cue the sound of whirring wings and relentless chewing]

Yes, researchers have found that high serotonin levels in locusts seem to trigger the change from the green Solitary form to the darker, ravenous Gregarious form.

Strangely, I feel no reason to apologize to the Moody Blues for the filking. But I will refrain from a chorus of “Getting to Gnaw You”…

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As the plaster falls in the bathroom, one of my contractors says “You still teach technical writing?  You should look at Buzzwhack.com.”

He used to sell security software, and tells of assorted verbal sins, many of which he would record to compare with colleagues after sales calls. I told him about faculty Gr’bingo games, where we’d be tracking how many ridiculous things our college president would say during his addresses.

I looked at Buzzwhack just now, and I think my first favorite is “jingle mail”, which is apparently how you refer to mailing “your house keys back to the bank because the mortgage is worth more than the house itself.”

[pause, rifle through site some more]  Oooh, wait:  this one’s better:

deja moo: The nagging feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

It’s even funnier if you can imagine imagine Dionne Warwick singing about it…

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Tonight, NBC wanted to show us BMX racing, but instead had to ‘settle’ for showing us dripping wet women diving into the sand and then hugging each other in the rain.

Oh, I think there might be a ball involved somewhere.  They seem interested in keeping it off the sand, which I understand because repeatedly slamming your fist into a grit-covered surface can’t be pleasant.  For those of you not watching, here’s a typical sequence of play:

  • Thud
  • Crowd roar
  • Mad scrambling
  • Thud-smack-thud
  • Dive into sand
  • Leap
  • Scramble
  • Smack!
  • Wipe hands on bikini top
  • Hug

Sometimes NBC lets us hear the music being played during the matches, but this time, my brain connected the scrambling with Bangles lyrics — “They do the sand dance, don’cha know”, and then pulled in an earlier string of thoughts about the incredible potential for wardrobe failures here, and my Lord, all the places they probably get sand…..such that when the tune rolled around to the title chorus section, my brain happily supplied “Wax like a Brazillian” instead.

My brain cannot be taken anywhere in polite company.

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“Early on a summer evening
You will hear the music playing
Just a friendly little Cockroach
Selling fresh soft-serve ice cream.

La cucaracha, la cucaracha,
Gringos don’t know what it means
Or else they’d never, or else they’d never
Use the tune to sell ice cream!

You may think that I am joking
I am wondering what you’re smoking
Crazy humans send their children
To buy ice cream from a roach!”

More lyrics may occur, depending on my level of irritation…..

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The first time I saw a picture of Meryl Streep, she was looking uncertainly back at me from the cover of The French Lieutenant’s Woman, which was the required reading for my freshman English class. Now I see her on my television, flouncing down the dock in overalls on some fabulous Greek isle that is certainly not Lesbos. Oy vey….

Although ABBA isn’t what I’d call the height of Swedish culture, I do like infectious melodies, especially ones that give me a variety of lines to choose my notes from. The other very handy thing about ABBA is how easily you can fit other lyrics to the music.

Handy, of course, does not mean this is a universally good thing, but it’s fun. It’s especially fun when you have friends around who also like playing with language. You hear a phrase or a concept, sometimes with a rhythm that fits a tune you both know, and it’s off to the races — who gets the next line first? Who can make the next rhyme? How quickly does everything go horrendously blue or otherwise socially unacceptable?

Here’s an example — a serious abuse of “Dancing Queen”. I don’t recall which lyric came first, and I also know full well that the predicament described isn’t realistic. As we used to say at Tech, “all flames to /dev/null“:

See the clash
See the stares
How does she pick what she wears?
Ooooh
What a shame
What a scream
Digging the color-blind queen!

Driving with her is awful slow
Doesn’t see when to stop or go.
When it comes to high fashion
Color-matching’s a passion
How could Fate be so mean?
She could have looked so keen!

She is the color-blind queen:
Red and green
Simply can’t be seen
Color-blind queen:
Only safe on the silver screen, oh yeah!
See the clash

See the stares
As she breaks rules unawares
Ooooh
What a shame
What a scream
Diggin’ the color-blind queen!

Ran into her the other day
One pump was brown, the other grey
Feather boa was fuschia
Dress was olive and blue —
I had to turn away
What on earth could I say?

She is the color-blind queen:
Red and green
Simply can’t be seen!
Color-blind queen:
Only safe on the silver screen, oh yeah!
People laugh
People gibe
It’s happened all of her life!
Ooooh
Watch those gaffes
Steal the scene
Pity the color-blind queen!

So if you hear me humming, you may want to check what my brain is up to. Possibly no good at all….

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